The play is the thing

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…that is terrifying me.  It really seems to be happening.  It’s called “Scrambled Eggs” – and it’s about a woman’s journey from childhood, dating, marriage, kid, career, hot flashes, you name it. 

So for anyone who’s ever dreamt of getting your work out into the world and having a play or being on Huffington Post, or doing public speaking (which is what I am working on next) — it’s scary.  IT REALLY IS.

But I just have to take it a day at a time and have faith that it will be fine. 

Years ago, when I lived in Los Angeles, I had meetings with studio executives in huge, fancy offices on studio lots and they were effusive about my writing, “You’re like a female Barry Levinson, or Woody…”  And that terrified me.  I didn’t want that kind of pressure, so I bailed.  I got married and moved back to NYC and had a baby and quietly did my writing and didn’t try all that hard.  I tried, but being a woman, and being out of LA makes it very difficult.

I wouldn’t change a thing, it is all perfect.

I went through hell for a few years, it was one of the most intense and elevated periods of my life – divorce, death (my mother’s) and now I can write about it all and watch the play get produced next spring and hopefully inspire other women (and men) to not give up on their dreams.  It may not happen in the time you imagine it will, or the way that you imagine, but it can still happen.

Last month, one of my Huff Post blogs landed on the mainpage of AOL.  I even heard from my divorce attorney!  I heard from people I haven’t heard from in years.  This is such an adventure and as scary as it feels sometimes, it is exciting and fun – kind of like a roller coaster.  Oh, wait, I hate roller coasters. 

You can follow this journey, I will post updates and info along the way. 

Swimming through mud

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Some days I wake up and I feel less than great.  Even though I went to a lovely surprise birthday party last night and enjoyed myself.  Even though the weather is so perfect it’s just delightful. Even though several people last night reminded me of something that I needed to hear: my job is just what I do during the day – and I need to either take a class or do something during my week that gives me pleasure.  I’ve realized that I’m slightly addicted to performing, so I think I need to find something that allows me to have that rush, scary as it is.


I’m also waiting to hear back from a couple of people who I sent some writing to and that’s always stressful.  But I understand they have busy lives and it will take them awhile to get back to me.  


So I sit with the feelings, the anxiety, the sadness and I know that the feelings will pass.  And I took an action this morning about finding a class and I will write to a good friend, Sally Fisher, about getting together for dinner soon.  She is an inspiration to me. 

And I will trust that today will be a good day, just as they always are in the end.  

I just did some readings, and one of the lines that jumped out at me from Steve Chandler’s book “Reinventing Yourself” was:  

“The human system does not really want comfort, it wants challenge.  It wants adventure.”

I love that!

Big changes

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I’m in the middle of working on an assignment for a fantastic project that involves the United Nations and a big summit that is happening in NY in a month.

It’s very thrilling and it’s been one of the most frustrating and stressful projects I’ve ever been involved with, mainly because of the bureaucratic nightmares that are necessary to overcome with when you’re working with such an enormous organization.

But I’ve learned so much about what is happening in third world countries and about the Millenium Project, about what has been achieved and how much is left to do. Our job is about making films around the world and sharing information about projects that have succeeded and the lessons learned.  

I’m being very vague because I have to work on a script now, but I just wanted to say that all of this couldn’t have come at a better time.  It is totally engrossing and challenging to deal with all the stress and learning about the world – especially when the past year has been so involved with grieving so many losses. This has put my problems in perspective and taken the focus off of me. And aside from feeling like this is giving me a strong sense of purpose, it has also enabled me to make money – which for everyone in the world, especially those who are living in poverty – the chance to make money and improve your life and the life of your family, is a universal theme, no matter where you live. 

Dating again

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I don’t know what to say about this really except that it’s amazing how easy it is to get back into the dating scene these days, if you’re open.  It’s lovely that I have so many men in my life who I genuinely like and who seem to like me.  It’s fun to get to know people and I have a better sense of what I need in a man.  I need a man who makes me laugh and a man with big appetites for life – food, fun, experiences, adventure, connection.  I need a kind man, a man who isn’t afraid to be open with his feelings and likes to communicate.  A man with a big heart, who’s also smart.  I don’t think that’s impossible to find, do you?


And I hope he’d be willing to dance on the table if we ever went together to Opa in Miami Beach, or he’d at least enjoy watching me having fun dancing on the tables!  

I’m writing every day now and I have to say, today’s writing made me cry but it felt so good to just let the words flow.  I love first drafts because for me, they are as Hemingway said, “always shit” – but they give me a sense of what I want to say and I don’t judge anything (too much) as I write a first draft.

There’s plenty of time for that later, when I get to the later drafts.  Sometimes I think I should just be writing and not dating, but then life would feel pretty serious and I’ve had serious for too long.

 

New Post

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How is that for creativity? “New post.” This is going to be a random exercise in writing something, because I have been having some tough days and I need to loosen up my brain with some unconscious writing. If you’re looking for something well-organized and deep, I would probably stop now, because I haven’t a clue where this is going.

I only decided to write because when I looked on my friend Mia’s blog, I noticed that my blog hadn’t been updated in three days and surely there must have been something that’s happened in 72 hours that doesn’t concern Sarah Palin (I have a ban against writing anything about her for at least a week.)

So what have I been doing? Trying not to let the fear that is lurking in my soul devour my body. Trying to say this Alanon mantra: “I am enough, I have enough” and one more enough that I can’t remember. Or as my friend Annette said, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”

Why is parenting truly one of the most insanely difficult jobs and what I find difficult about it is when your kid isn’t doing what they are SUPPOSED TO DO according to OUR CULTURE, which is to follow the pack and do what every other kid their age is doing, even when you’ve never actually been a fan of following any pack. It’s just hard when you want them to do what is really best for them, since you know exactly what that is, and they don’t want to hear it. Because they have their reasons.

I’m reading a book about having an autistic kid and that is truly difficult, but it’s also about wanting your kid to be right up there with everyone else’s, doing what they are developmentally supposed to be doing. My friend’s autistic son has an IQ of 155 and he doesn’t know how to really be among “normal” kids his own age and I know how painful that’s been for her. It does seem that just about everyone else I know has perfectly lovely kids who are all doing exactly what they should be doing, except once in awhile when they screw up.

Anyway, I feel stressed and I need a room of my own, but that went away along with the SoHo loft five or so years ago – and – compared to 99% of the world, my life is fantastic and I have so much to be grateful for, it’s just not feeling particularly wonderful today.

Which is fine, it is what it is. Just for today.