I’ve heard this expression over the years and it can relate to all kinds of things, but in this case I’ll just be cryptic and leave it at that. Let’s just say I’m alone now and it’s not an easy time. I miss my mom, I miss Zoe, I feel lonely, it’s been raining for something like the past 160 days, the sky is gray and I’m sad. But as Pema Chodron says and my therapist too, feel it. I just talked to my friend Helene and she recommended eggplant parmigiana, which I think is an excellent idea. There’s a great Italian restaurant not far from here, so I ordered myself some and I’ll call Helene later and we’ll compare our eggplant parmigianas. (Is that the plural?)

Anyway, what else? Iran is a pretty terrible place right now. I hope they overthrow everyone and that’s probably not going to happen, but it’s amazing how many people are turning out and protesting. And they’re not sitting around feeling sorry for themselves that they keep going to the hardware store for oranges, they’re actually doing something significant..trying to get rid of those horrible disgusting leaders whose names I can’t spell.

Blah. That’s how I feel. This morning I was thinking how I haven’t really been crying that much. And on NPR, on the show Speaking of Faith they were playing spirituals, talking about a singer who had recently died, and they played “Sometimes I feel like a motherless child” and that did it. Lots of tears. The tears feel good really, I feel worse when I am just depressed and sad or angry, or whatever and I don’t cry.

Zoe’s in California and Steve is too. I’m so hopeful that she will get an apartment and a job in San Francisco and things will go well for her. I know that they’re having a good time, because they are at the land, the beautiful piece of property Steve owns with our friends Loren and Libbe and I’m sure they are having a wonderful time. It’s hard to be sad when you’re sitting in that gorgeous place, surrounded by nature.

I guess even though I feel sad, I do feel alive and I have support and friends who are there for me. And my beloved dogs, Lucy and Lola are here with me. Lucy is always sitting beside me or near me and she is my best friend.

And eggplant parmigiana is on the way. At least you can always call an Italian restaurant and get Italian food.

Okay, so now besides the separation I just got a call from my mother’s nursing home. She fractured her leg (probably when she was turned in her bed, because she can no longer walk) – and she has severe osteoporosis. So they gave her some pain meds tonight and tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. they will send her to the E.R. for treatment.

They can’t operate on her, there’s no point in putting a pin in her leg because the bone would shatter, that’s how bad the osteoporosis is. They will probably put a splint on, but they have to bring this poor 95 year-old woman to an E.R. to treat her leg. It seems crazy to me that they can’t do this at her nursing home, but they can’t.

I have to remember to breathe.

Well, so far this has been a very interesting week. Monday, my husband Steve and I told our 21 year-old daughter that we were separating. Today is Thursday and it appears that we are all absorbing it in our own ways. I can’t speak for my husband and my daughter, but my experience has been feeling very much in the moment, sometimes emotional, sometimes scared and amazed at how much support is coming my way.

Yesterday morning, I had that “knot in your stomach” feeling and I thought to myself, “Oh, I know this feeling. It’s not good, but it doesn’t last forever.”

And between the swine flu and the economic fears and not knowing what’s going to happen in the future, I do occasionally feel like crawling into bed, but honestly, not that much.

Yesterday, I went to the gym and did the elliptical trainer and then Steve (why did he have to be named Steve?) worked with me. To my friends who love yoga – I will do my best to get back to it. I love it too. I did realize how much I hate doing sit-ups and the plank, and squats, but I do like the massage Steve gives me after the work-out. It’s very gentle and relaxing.

After the gym, I went to visit my mother. For anyone who’s never read this blog, my mother is a character. She’s 95, lives in a nursing home, is not looking too good (she was a very attractive woman), and she continues to flirt with any man (no matter his age) and curse anyone who annoys her. Anyway, I told her about what was happening and she said, “Oh, that is so hard. I pity you. But if you’re not happy, you need to do what you want.” Or something like that. She also said, “I lost a really good man.” Which is rather ironic given that she spent, literally, every moment of their fifty-two year marriage yelling at him.

Later on I ran into a friend and said something like “…Well, we’re living parallel lives that don’t ever seem to intersect anymore. And he’s very isolated and I feel very lonely…” And she continued, “Yes! Us too! And we have completely different world views and he won’t even consider going to therapy, not alone, or with me and right now he’s out of town and I am thrilled! It’s like all the negative energy left the apartment and I feel free!” And then she expressed her fear of leaving him, worried that she would become a bag lady. This woman is a very successful author who is about to embark on a book tour. I have to admit, I have that fear too. But I figure if all else fails, I’ll become a nanny, since I love babies.

My mood got dark later in the afternoon and I was able to cry with another friend. I think the good news is, feeling the feelings really does help, despite the recent studies that say maybe it’s over-rated. For me, it helps. And then one more friend – who’s dealing with hot flashes and sadness, so we had the perimenopause conversation. I told her about my play “Scrambled Eggs” and we laughed a lot and by the end of the day I felt pretty happy.

Last night, I caught up with “American Idol” (I do like to watch the last few weeks) and “In Treatment” (Gabriel Byrne…are you really as empathetic as you seem? Nah, you’re just a good actor.) I watched the episode with Mia again – Hope Davis is amazing. I have met the writer of Hope’s storyline a few times, Jacqueline Reingold, and she is a fantastic writer. I also love Alison Pill.

Steve went out last night to visit his young Chilean friend Oscar and when I woke up around one a.m., he hadn’t come home yet. I have to admit that freaked me out a bit. And I broke down and took a sleeping pill, so I wouldn’t have to hear him when he came home. He arrived home ten minutes later and told me that he’d been with a group of Oscar’s friends having a very intense discussion and all I will say about that is, when he woke up this morning at seven thirty, he looked like he had a pretty intense hangover and immediately went back to bed. We’re all doing the best we can.

I just got out of the shower, did a few yoga stretches and had a few more thoughts to share.
One is that I don’t actually love yoga – I have a love/hate relationship with it, as I do most physical activity. Love when I’ve done it, don’t love every moment of doing it.

Two: I spent my day yesterday giving and receiving and it felt great. I spoke to my friend O who is dealing with her treatment for lymphoma and she is handling a very difficult time. She says that every day her friends call and check in on her and that she is also so grateful for their support.

And my final thought: I’m going to look at a studio apartment tomorrow and I realized that I love the idea of paring down to the basics. I don’t need a lot of room – I need a room of my own.

My horoscope for today:

You and your friends and allies are working in perfect harmony today and any project you work on jointly should work out really well, especially if you’re leading the way and keeping everyone informed.