The other day I was riding my bike north along the Hudson River, on the bike path. It was a beautiful day and I could see up in front of me a large group of kids, standing along a fence to the right, holding out their hands for riders to high five.
How is that for creativity? “New post.” This is going to be a random exercise in writing something, because I have been having some tough days and I need to loosen up my brain with some unconscious writing. If you’re looking for something well-organized and deep, I would probably stop now, because I haven’t a clue where this is going.
I only decided to write because when I looked on my friend Mia’s blog, I noticed that my blog hadn’t been updated in three days and surely there must have been something that’s happened in 72 hours that doesn’t concern Sarah Palin (I have a ban against writing anything about her for at least a week.)
So what have I been doing? Trying not to let the fear that is lurking in my soul devour my body. Trying to say this Alanon mantra: “I am enough, I have enough” and one more enough that I can’t remember. Or as my friend Annette said, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”
Why is parenting truly one of the most insanely difficult jobs and what I find difficult about it is when your kid isn’t doing what they are SUPPOSED TO DO according to OUR CULTURE, which is to follow the pack and do what every other kid their age is doing, even when you’ve never actually been a fan of following any pack. It’s just hard when you want them to do what is really best for them, since you know exactly what that is, and they don’t want to hear it. Because they have their reasons.
I’m reading a book about having an autistic kid and that is truly difficult, but it’s also about wanting your kid to be right up there with everyone else’s, doing what they are developmentally supposed to be doing. My friend’s autistic son has an IQ of 155 and he doesn’t know how to really be among “normal” kids his own age and I know how painful that’s been for her. It does seem that just about everyone else I know has perfectly lovely kids who are all doing exactly what they should be doing, except once in awhile when they screw up.
Anyway, I feel stressed and I need a room of my own, but that went away along with the SoHo loft five or so years ago – and – compared to 99% of the world, my life is fantastic and I have so much to be grateful for, it’s just not feeling particularly wonderful today.
Which is fine, it is what it is. Just for today.