I was talking to a friend earlier, who was feeling down. I was glad I called, it’s good to be able to listen when someone is feeling blue. I suggested that she might want to go for a walk to feel better, as I was doing and then I remembered that the truth is, this is life and we aren’t supposed to always feel great. I’m sitting in the muck right now, feeling worried about the election, the economy, my own future, my daughter, my poor old dog, Lucy, who isn’t doing all that well. I am sitting in some sadness and worry and it’s perfectly okay.

I saw a story on Rock Center about the Daily Show and how there are several dogs who come to work with their owners. They said it really helps everyone to cheer up when they can pet the dogs.

So here’s my dog, Lucy, from several years ago, wearing a $6,000 sapphire, emerald and 24 carat gold necklace. She looks very royal, doesn’t she?  (The necklace does not belong to me!)

Please let President Obama do a good job at tonight’s debate…please.

I realized today, as I went to the Hell’s Kitchen flea market again in search of Mike the bike guy, who seems to be MIA, and then to the upper west side in search of a used bike store, that all the running around and reading about bikes, and looking at Craig’s list, and asking questions and learning about bikes, is an excellent distraction for the more pressing matters of my life.  

And those issues are out of my control, unlike finding a bike, so I’m going to concentrate on the bike search and forget about the court appearance I have to make this week and take it one day at a time. 

Onward – my bike is coming soon, it will be a good bike at a great price and I will enjoy riding it.  And everything else will take care of itself.  I’m off to walk the dogs, in the heat, and to enjoy that too!

Well, not quite a hundred percent out of the cold, but much much better.  These viruses are hard to beat, I’m grateful that I didn’t have to go to work (since I don’t have a job) and could rest most of the time.  I had absolutely no energy, but today I walked a bit and vacuumed and went to Friends In Deed, so it was a very productive day.  And I am feeling better, just not completely.  I’m missing a party for the Writers’ Guild tonight because it’s on 125th Street and I don’t have the energy to schlep that far. Tomorrow night, a group of my Mama Gena women are getting together for a reunion at the Harvard Club and I want to feel well enough to go to that.

I have to say that I’m on Match.com and it struck me today, as I was reading some profiles, how difficult it is – and also brave I guess – to put your “ad” for yourself on-line and hope that someone really special finds you.  I know that many people have found their partners on these websites, but I’m just not sure it’s possible.  

I do have good news…really good news.  It appears that our play that had the reading this past summer in the Berkshires is going to have another reading in Manhattan this coming March.  The director, Matt Penn, is going to direct again and I don’t know who the cast will be, but I’m sure they’ll find great people and I’m looking forward to it.  They’re searching for a venue that will hold about 150 people. 

I’m looking forward to feeling healthy again – walking the dogs in the cold, with a cold is not fun.  I enjoy walking them most of the year, but December – March is really rough.  Today, Lucy dragged me into the jewelry store Me & Ro (she has excellent taste) and I had fun trying on some very lovely jewelry.  Mary Louise Parker wears all their jewelry on “Weeds” – so I guess I’d have to be a drug dealer to be able to afford it.  

I would think that there would be many people in the city who love dogs and would love to take them for a week or two during the winter?  No? 

I was just meditating and some sad feelings came flooding over me. I don’t think that’s supposed to happen in meditation, but maybe it is.

I’ve been here before. I know it doesn’t last, but when you’re in it, it’s not fun and it definitely makes me miss the ability to eat a giant cupcake or to go shopping without being overwhelmed with guilt. Those two addictions are pretty much off the table, although I do slip up now and then. The other day I bought myself a watch for a hundred dollars, simply because it was reduced from $380 and I thought, “Wow, what a deal. Can’t pass that one up.”

So – back to the blues. My beloved dog, Lucy, is sick again. She’s 12 1/2. We got her from the ASPCA when she was 4 and although it wasn’t love at first sight (she was cowering in her cage), as soon as she came out she climbed in our laps and started licking us, then we knew she was our dog. She is simply a kind, sweet, adoring, loving, neurotic god (oh, I actually wrote that) DOG, who has been with us through more ups and downs than the Cyclone at Coney Island. I remember leaving her in our loft on 9/11 to run up to Zoe’s school to pick Zoe and her friend Willa up, wondering if we’d ever see Lucy again. (We weren’t sure what was happening at that point.) She’s been there for me while I’ve been the primary caregiver for my mother for the last 7 years. She’s been there when we all took turns being seriously depressed. She’s moved with us three times in the past five years. She’s tolerated sharing us with Lola, who has a bit more of an outgoing personality than Lucy.

The last time Lucy had surgery, this past summer, I was reading a brochure in the vet’s office about dealing with the death of a pet. I will try to bring home a copy today if we’re at the vet’s office again. At the time, Steve’s father was dying and I was reading this brochure and thinking that as much as we love humans, and we obviously do – our animals are with us every day of our lives, through all kinds of struggles, they’re often the one constant in our lives and they love us unconditionally (unlike any human I know.)

UPDATE: Just came home after two hours at the vet. Lucy’s got a pretty bad urinary tract infection and another hematoma in her ear. She has blood in her urine and was throwing up this morning, but hopefully with the antibiotics she will be feeling better in just a few days. I brought home the brochure about losing a pet, the one that really got to me that time I read it in the vet’s office. Here is the quote: “For some, losing a pet can be a truly devastating experience. The animal was an important family member who provided unconditional comfort and support over many phases and changes in a person’s life. As you begin to reflect on what has happened since your companion came into your life, a certain chapter in your life closes. As animals commonly live for 15 to 20 years, these life chapters often include major transitions such as becoming an adult, moving homes, changing jobs, marriage, children, relationship endings, etc. Obviously then, may memories are associated with a pet, all of which come to the surface when the pet dies.”

That really got to me.

So aside from feeling sad about my dogs’ eventual deaths (Lola’s only 6), my concerns for my daughter, and money issues, and worry about my family and my friends’ health (Steve has to have eye surgery soon) and I always worry about my own health, and let’s not even get into the election…and the environment and the war and the economy and and and…

…wondering how I got here in my life, to the place that I am at, which doesn’t feel so good right now. I just don’t quite understand it.

I think that one answer may be yoga. I think I have to continue with my meditation and find a good yoga class because at other times in my life yoga has helped me. I also know that this feeling will pass and that life is really about the ups and downs and all the challenges. And that all the answers are inside of me (according to that book I recommended a few weeks ago) – even if I don’t really have a clue about how to find them.

I think I’ll do a few yoga postures and start with Downward Facing Dog, in Lucy’s honor. And if any answers come, I’ll let you know.