Lately, it seems as if I have heard of a number of friends and acquaintances who are dealing with some difficult situations.  I think that the economy and the struggles that so many people are having financially, is often at the root of it, but it also goes much deeper.  It is a struggle with aging parents, illness, young people searching for jobs, opportunities.  A very difficult election.  

I am at another crossroads and I’m not sure where it is leading, but if I’ve learned one thing in the past few years of studying Buddhism and spirituality it is to stay in this very moment.  It’s one of the hardest lessons, since we human beings are always looking towards the future and worrying about what is coming, rather than appreciating and staying in the present. 

I went to help out a friend this morning who is about to give birth and is in a difficult situation with her new husband.  I can only imagine how hard it is for her to stay in this moment, when in six weeks she will be giving birth to her baby and life will get even more challenging.

One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is to show up – so that was what I did.  I listened and helped her unpack and just sat with her.  And now I am sitting with my own anxieties, as I have many days over the last few years.

I love what I have been learning lately from August Gold, a spiritual teacher.  She says:  “Life is a conversation.  We need to stop asking ‘why is this happening to me’ and start asking ‘why is this happening for me?'” 

In reading about the Kaballah it says:  “This challenge is an indication that there is a great amount of Light to be revealed here!  I may not understand how yet, but I can make the effort to see why this opportunity has been given to me.  I can choose, instead of reacting or worry, to continue the development of my soul.  I can choose to not allow negativity in, and as I do this more and more, I will grow my certainty in the Light.

Negativity has power over us only when we allow it to.

So my choice now is to put on my shoes and go for a walk and get out of my head and my apartment.  And stay in this very moment, which is a rainy autumn afternoon, and be grateful for all the blessings in my life.  Starting with the fact that my daughter lives in Brooklyn and last year on this day I was visiting her in San Francisco. 

Enough sitting, it’s time to move my feet. 

This weekend, my daughter, Zoe, is coming to NYC to stay at the loft and take care of Lucy, while I go to Paris for a week.  I feel a bit anxious, since part of me wants to be here with Zoe and Lucy and the other part of me wants to go to Paris.  I’m going with my dear friend, Bella, and I know it will be lovely to get away.  I went from one job to another, from a court case, to a training, and then a new office, so one week in Europe in the spring sounds delightful.

I need to breathe.  Zoe and Lucy will be fine and even though Lucy is so old now, she is doing pretty well.  Abigail is going away too, so Zoe gets to have the loft to herself, which I’m sure she will enjoy. And when I come back from Paris, I will have plenty of time to see Zoe.  She’ll be here another nine days.

After so many years of being a caregiver, it’s hard to imagine taking a week to just wander around my favorite city, walking through beautiful parks, along the Seine, going to museums, eating good food, doing everything I love.  I don’t have to worry about my mother anymore.  It’s still hard to get used to the freedom.

There have been no trips to Europe since that difficult one to Spain three years ago when my ex and I came back and separated.  That was, actually, a great trip.  I’ll update from Paris and see if I can relax and enjoy myself.  Maybe I’ll find some swing dancing!

Some days I wake up and I feel less than great.  Even though I went to a lovely surprise birthday party last night and enjoyed myself.  Even though the weather is so perfect it’s just delightful. Even though several people last night reminded me of something that I needed to hear: my job is just what I do during the day – and I need to either take a class or do something during my week that gives me pleasure.  I’ve realized that I’m slightly addicted to performing, so I think I need to find something that allows me to have that rush, scary as it is.


I’m also waiting to hear back from a couple of people who I sent some writing to and that’s always stressful.  But I understand they have busy lives and it will take them awhile to get back to me.  


So I sit with the feelings, the anxiety, the sadness and I know that the feelings will pass.  And I took an action this morning about finding a class and I will write to a good friend, Sally Fisher, about getting together for dinner soon.  She is an inspiration to me. 

And I will trust that today will be a good day, just as they always are in the end.  

I just did some readings, and one of the lines that jumped out at me from Steve Chandler’s book “Reinventing Yourself” was:  

“The human system does not really want comfort, it wants challenge.  It wants adventure.”

I love that!