I think that during this crazy time after a separation – at least two years according to my research – going up and down daily, hourly, weekly, is all perfect.  Yesterday, until at least six p.m. I struggled with depression and sadness that felt unbearable at times.  I let myself sit with it.  I went to Friends In Deed at noon for a meeting and I heard really good advice about staying with the feelings and living in the moment.  And I still came home and felt completely shitty and sad. 

Then last night, I went to an event for an organization called “Not In Our Town” (they are based in Oakland, California) which has been in existence for fifteen years and supports and makes documentaries about communities that come together to stand up to hate crimes.  I listened to the founder, Patrice O’Neill, who was so articulate and passionate about her work.  I remembered that for most of my life telling people’s stories (including my own) has been so important to me and that my goal for the rest of my life is really to find meaningful work in this area.  This event was at the most beautiful townhouse in Manhattan I have ever seen and the people who were there were clearly passionate about the organization and its work.  Patrice was so inspiring and I’m grateful to my friend Barbara for inviting me.  

I miss my mother and being a mother on a day to day basis — and there is also a sense of freedom that allows me to search for my mission.  I love that I was able to sit with the pain yesterday and that by the evening, the pain had lifted and I was watching inspirational films and talking to fascinating people and also stuffing my face at the buffet that was filled with miniature everything, one inch bagels and falafels, shrimp, chicken sate and tandoori chicken, the best dip for potato chips I ever tasted, sushi…everything delicious.  (Although I did have to come home and eat more, miniature food is not quite satisfying.)

Late last night, right before I fell asleep I read this passage from Eckhart Tolle’s book “The New Earth”…

“How to be at peace now?  By making peace with the present moment.  The present moment is the field on which the game of life happens.  It cannot happen anywhere else.  Once you have made peace with the present moment, see what happens, what you can do or choose to do, or rather what life does through you.  There are three words that convey the secret of the art of living, the secret of all success and happiness: One With Life.  Being one with life is being one with Now.  You then realize that you don’t live your life, but life lives you.  Life is the dancer, and you are the dance.”

I know that it isn’t always easy to make peace with the present moment, especially when it really stinks. But being at war with those moments doesn’t help either, so maybe just breathe and let go and ride the roller coaster, or surf the waves, whatever metaphor works for you.  
And eat a miniature bagel, if you can.  They’re very cute.   


Comments are closed.

Post Navigation