Every day I try to pack for at least an hour to prepare for this move out of a loft I lived I’ve lived in for two years with my husband, my daughter and our two dogs. I should be pretty good at this by now, we moved three times in the past six years. We moved out of a loft we owned in Soho that we had to sell because we needed the money. We moved to a lovely rental, an upper duplex in a beautiful brownstone in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, and then again, after a year, to the lower duplex in the same house. You would think that just moving downstairs would be easy, but it required about the same amount of work – boxes, movers, disruption. And the only thing different about this move is that I am not keeping much, and rather than just throwing everything into boxes (as one of my friends suggested and dealing with it another time, when I’m not so emotionally raw) – I am trying to discard many of the things I’ve carried with me over the years, that I no longer need.
And that is not an easy task. I find that I am dealing with more emotions in the last six months than I probably have in most of my life. And as painful as that is, it’s also healthy, to feel so much and to let it just move through me.
Yesterday, my little dog Lola was sick and she could hardly move, she was vomiting most of the day. Also it was Yom Kippur, so I fasted from sundown to sundown and lit candles for both my parents. By the end of the day I was so worried about Lola (I did call the vet and listened to their advice – watch her, give her Pepcid – she vomited that – no more food.) This morning she seems a little better, at least so far. I missed talking to Steve about her, since he adores Lola, but I know calling him wouldn’t have helped anything. So I called a few friends and got through a difficult day that was filled with anxiety and hunger.
And I continue packing and grieving. Occasionally, I do have good memories of the past and I’m proud of all the work I’ve done to get ready for the move. I’m also excited about my new life. But change is always difficult and it’s the first time in my life that I haven’t had a mom to talk about it with. And also the first time in twenty-five years that I haven’t had a partner to help.
But I’m pretty strong and the phrase “this too shall pass” reminds me to just keep packing and doing the work, and the rest of it will all sort itself out.
And I do have to say that I’ve had two wonderful gifts this week. I got to see “Wishful Drinking” with Carrie Fisher on Sunday, which I enjoyed. My friend had to go out of town and she gave me her ticket. And tomorrow night, I have a free ticket to “God of Carnage” with James Gandolfini, Hope Davis, Jeff Daniels and Marcia Gay Harden. Thank you Karen and Barbara. I love you both. And Barbara, I hope you feel better soon.