I keep recalling when I gave birth and thinking that what I’m going through now feels incredibly painful, but also in the end, I think it will be worth it. I remember when I gave birth it hurt so much and I didn’t have an epidural (not because I didn’t want one, but because by the time we got to the hospital I was already eight centimeters dilated, so it was too late.) In the middle of the pain, as the contractions intensified, I had a few moments of thinking, never mind. Let’s not do this, keep the baby inside me, skip the birth, let me just stay pregnant forever.
If you’ve never had a baby, I’m sure you’ve worked on some major project, or work effort, or some health issue, or care-giving, or something just felt too difficult. And it’s not like once you’ve finished, or had the baby, or recovered, or whatever, that it’s easy. There are always struggles and in the middle of the pain are glimpses of what will be and hanging onto that keeps me breathing and moving through the pain. And I haven’t even mentioned the grief I’m experiencing about the death of my mother.
Maybe I could get an epidural now?